


Holy Fool

by uselesstalent32



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 19:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6532579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselesstalent32/pseuds/uselesstalent32
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a pretty old one-shot/homage I wrote with my ex girlfriend, Charlemange Day, several years ago. We basically put Lucci/Kaku in the same situation as the MacManus brothers in Boondock Saints. Of course, with our own spin. Lucci is written by Charlemange and Kaku is written by me.</p><p>Mature rating is for violence and gore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holy Fool

"Well that was quite a brawl, yeah?" Kaku chuckled as he clutched onto his side. Great, another broken rib. He walked alongside his partner, who wore his usual blank expression, despite being covered in blood.

Lucci said nothing as he carefully locked the bolt behind them. He'd been certain that they were not followed on their way back to this location; it had been quite a challenge, and while the assassin had been expecting a few wounds, the number they both were suffering were quite numerous. He frowned as he strode into the room, removing his hat and setting it aside. His black curls were matted with blood and other...more unmentionable things. He loosened his tie from his neck and laid it aside.

"One I would like to not repeat," he remarked evenly, ignoring the smear of crimson across his handsome face.

Kaku sighed and nodded in agreement. He removed his hat and tossed it onto the bed. Rather, the two twin sized beds that they had pushed together into one bed, since, well, they were official since merely a month. The thought of that pleased him. On that note, he sat down to remove his bloody, tattered clothes. His pleasant thoughts were rudely interrupted by the loud clattering of their door being kicked down. In the doorway stood two rather enraged brutes, none of which he recognized.

Lucci had been facing away from the door when it had been kicked in, and glanced over his shoulder carefully at the two men who were darkening their doorway. He raised an eyebrow wordlessly at them, and slowly turned. He narrowed his eyes, and noted that while they were not wearing any insignia, they bore the same type of clothing worn by the men leading the insurrection had been wearing.

So.

They had been followed. Lucci wondered how he had managed to miss that, but no matter. The point was, that they WERE here, and were not about to leave any time soon.

"There. That one. He's the Devil Fruit user!"

Kaku blinked as he saw what looked like a dark blur appear behind Lucci, and he heard a loud cracking sound as he witnessed his partner's body fall to the ground. He gasped as he suddenly felt lightheaded and out of breath. At that moment, the other man had swiftly made his move on him, driving his fist into the young agent's stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

A flash of pain was all that registered in Lucci's skull as the larger of the two men struck him hard in the temple, knocking him back. They'd moved imperceptibly fast, they must have mastered the Soru ability as well. Stumbling back in an uncharacteristic daze, he fell against the wall for grounding, and made a move to turn against his assailant. The move was fruitless, however. He was slammed against the wall before he even had a chance to take a stance, and there was a clicking sound at his wrist. Lucci suddenly felt as he had been plunged into the ocean. Growling as he slumped against the wall, he looked over his shoulder at his foe, who was grinning sickly. Behind them, he heard the sound of a fist making contact with skin, and the sound of Kaku gasping for air. The hair on Lucci's neck rose in fury, but before he could even think to react, he was struck across the head again.

His vision was blurred slightly and he was out of breath from that rather fierce punch. He had no time to recover as he felt his limp arms being cuffed behind his waist. Kaku struggled the best he could, but was greeted with a punch to the jaw. His head jerked and he spewed blood in the general direction where Lucci and the other man were. He shook off the stinging pain and helplessly watched his partner being apprehended as he was forcefully dragged out of the room. The larger man began to restrain Lucci even further, chaining him to the piping underneath the sink next to him. Leaving him there, he followed behind Kaku and the other man.

The larger man sneered. "What do ya say we take this ginger haired brat outside and shoot him like a dog!" The other man restraining Kaku chuckled. "We'll blow his head off and then deal with his friend. A slow painful death would be more fitting for that bastard." Kaku's eyes widened in horror, and he struggled more violently, seething and cursing under his breath. Clattering ensued as he was taken down the stairs and dragged just in front of the building of the safe house. He was forced to kneel down facing away from them. He heard shuffling and a metallic clicking sound.

Lucci looked up sharply as he heard the words exchanged only feet away. Despite the throbbing in his skull, he looked quickly to the damning pipes that kept him in place. Sharp eyes moved, looking for any weakness, any means of escape, but found none. None but the obvious, of course. The door opened and closed with a creak. Lucci looked at the sink with severe eyes and took a breath. The stairs outside began to creak as three sets of feet rattled down them. Lucci clenched his fist against the seastone handcuffs and pulled. Why his heart was racing so, he could not say, for many believed that he did not have such a thing. Gritting his teeth, he leaned back, putting his back into it despite his wounds. He growled, and the growl became a throaty shout as he continued to force the pipes to give way. The skin around his wrists tore and blood oozed from beneath the kairoseki, spattering the concrete floor. There was a groan as the pipes spit and gave way, spilling water everywhere. Grimly, but with speed, he stood and pulled the sink up, moving towards the floor length window.

"Say your prayers, you worthless piece of shit." The shorter man spat out as he readied his shot. Kaku reeled his head back, waiting for his inevitable death, and just as he was about to close his eyes, he saw the most bizarre thing. His eyes widened like saucers and his body tensed. Without hesitation, he used every ounce of strength that he had to leap out of the way of the large white object careening out of the balcony of what was their room. Along with what he swore was a figure clad in black. It could only be... At that moment, one of the men reached out after Kaku, standing just about where he was just a moment ago. There was a loud crashing sound, and white porcelain shattered grotesquely onto the armed man's head, his finger pulling the trigger. Fortunately, it shot aimlessly at the wall as he collapsed like a sack of potatoes. The other man was too shocked to pursue Kaku as he stood watching his comrade just get crushed with what was a bathroom sink.

Lucci had followed after the sink, putting his foot on the railing and leaping over the edge. The sink fell much faster than he, and he heard the sick, satisfying crunch as the man who had been about to pull the trigger. Despite the blood that was blinding his left eye and the blood that flowed over his hands, he did his best to aim for the second assailant, though his body, weakened from loss of blood and the damnable pull of the kairoseki, was giving into unconsciousness. With a grunt, the assassin did just that, and landed squarely on the other man. There was a slight tumble as the two bodies fell, and Lucci hit the pavement, hearing a second gunshot ring out. His forehead grazed the pavement, black curls clinging to his crimson-stained brow, and he laid there, breathing heavily.

Kaku grunted as he broke free of his confines, tossing the crude rope aside. Walking up to the man who was still breathing, he stood over him, his expression cold and calculating. The man gasped for breath and moved to face up at the young assassin. He tried to shuffle away from the furious assassin who now had the upper hand in this situation.

"P-please. Have mercy...!" he pleaded pathetically. Kaku said nothing at first, as he knelt down to grab the large man by his collar. He gasped in surprise at the young man's strength as he was lifted up off the ground. "Mercy?" Kaku scoffed. With that, he swiftly drove his entire hand through the man's torso. A gurgled yell came out of the man's throat. "Do you really think you deserve such a thing?" He drove his hand further in, eliciting more painful choking sounds from the large brute. Finally, his hand pierced through the man's flesh from behind, and he quickly withdrew it, blood spraying everywhere and covering the now dead body falling to the ground at Kaku's feet. Kaku shook a few droplets of blood from his hands and wiped his face, turning towards his fallen partner. He approached him, helping him stand up. "Oi, Lucci. Can you stand?" His body felt slightly heavier than usual.

"......" He vaguely heard Kaku's voice through the fuzz of near-unconsciousness, and felt the younger man's arms slip around to help him stand, but he found that his legs would not support him. Darkness was beginning to close in as he slumped against Kaku, blood clinging to his lips and oozing still from around the rim of the kairoseiki. He barely made a breathing sound as he nearly went to his knees again, and closed his eyes to blackness.

Thankfully there was a hospital not too far from where they were. Kaku was able to get both him and his unconscious partner there safely. They managed to receive some medical attention and a change of clothes. Well, hospital clothes for now, but it would suffice.

Kaku rubbed at his wrist, massaging the joint with his palm and he looked over at Lucci, who was lying there still. He seemed to be asleep for now. Or perhaps waiting.

Lucci had been asleep for a very long time. it seemed, but when he came to, he did not open his eyes. He remained very still, listening to every sound in the room, taking in every scent and everything he felt. They were in a hospital by the sound of it, and by the way the nurse had spoken to Kaku earlier, he could assume that Kaku had been wise enough to give the nurse false aliases. It smelled of antiseptic and bandages, and the soft murmur of voices from outside the hall filtered in through the closed door. He was lying in a hospital bed which was altogether very uncomfortable, with a needle stuck in his wrist and bandages wrapped around his ribs and wrists. The shift in the bed opposite his told him that Kaku had long ago awoken and was most likely watching him. After a moment, he opened his eyes, looking directly at the ceiling above as the colors swam into focus. What had happened after the fall? He recalled wrenched the sink free and dropping it over the edge. He recalls jumping after it, and after the fall there had been a nasty thud. After that he had no recollection. He frowned slightly, his lips tight.

Kaku shook his head and rolled his eyes, vaguely annoyed. He didn't look in Lucci's direction at first.

"Don't let your emotions get the best of you." He said half mockingly. "Don't let this interfere with our work." He glared at him. "Then what the bloody HELL was that back there?! Mr. I'm-going-to-leap-off-a-balcony after throwing down a bloody bathroom sink! Did you really think any of that through? What if we were on the top floor, would you take a flying leap then?"

"Yes," Lucci said without missing a beat. He said nothing for a moment, though briefly, for a split second, it looked as though he ALMOST smiled. "You would have to, so don't argue with me." Lucci knew well how much Kaku liked to jump from the tallest buildings he could find.

Of course, he had thought it through. He didn't need days of planning to come up with a course of action that would do the job. All he'd needed were those few seconds he'd been attached to that sink to come up with a plan.

"And not you nor anyone else can say that it was a plan that failed to meet its demands. It worked quite well, I think."

"That's not the point." Kaku scowled.

"It isn't?" Lucci had asked evenly.

Kaku's expression changed to a less flustered look. "Why would you do such a reckless thing.... on my account?"

Lucci was silent for a moment, frowning. He would have thought that much would have been obvious at that point. Kaku wasn't blind or stupid. Grimacing, Lucci forced himself to sit up, ignoring the shooting pain in his neck and ribs, and looked at Kaku intensely from across the room. There was a long pause.

"I love you."

The words were not delivered in the usual sweet way one might imagine. His voice was just as cold and even as always, his eyes narrowed and his tone sharp. His expression was not soft or gentle. All in all, it sounded more like a threat than a confession.

Whatever Kaku was going to say was shattered away at that moment. He felt slightly intimidated by the way he said it. It was not everyday one would hear such an endearing remark from a cold bastard like Rob Lucci. And add to the fact that he used what little strength he had to lift himself up and prove his resolve. Sometimes he really amazed him. Kaku only looked at him, his expression now more calm, and slightly puzzled.

"Lucci..."

"Yes?"

Lucci sat there for a long moment, his body aching, feeling somewhat lightheaded, but he did not let on. He regarded Kaku silently, nothing but the sound of their breathing between them, before he decided that if he were to remain upright for any longer, he would not be able to remain conscious. So, with some effort, he moved back into a laying position and remained still.

"...You sound surprised."

"Eh? No, its not that." Kaku sat there for a moment, before he swung his legs to the side of his bed. He did not feel nearly as lightheaded as Lucci did. Slowly, he found himself making his way across the short distance between their beds and he sat on the edge of Lucci's bed, his profile facing him.

Lucci had gone back to looking at the ceiling as Kaku stepped lightly towards him, and did not turn his gaze to look at him. He took a deep breath, thoughtful.

"Then what is it?" he asked after closing his eyes, his face back to being as blank as it always was.

Kaku tried to find the words to say without sounding like a fool.  
"Its just. After all this time. I never thought I would hear those words come out of your mouth." Kaku turned to look at him.

"One thing I pride myself on is the ability to be unpredictable," Lucci remarked without even opening his eyes. The light was stark and severe considering that he most likely hit his head hard on ground after being kicked multiple times before the fall. "You asked me why I would risk the mission for your safety. I say that ensuring both our safe return was part of the mission. I refuse to lose a capable member of my team to a pair of unprincipled thugs."

Of course, it was more than that, and Kaku knew it, but when it came to it, when the questioning began, that would be the story they would go with. Nothing could be said of the nights spent sharing each others' beds and the carnal pleasure they shared between the sheets.

Kaku cracked a small smile at him. A slightly mischievous smile at that. If only they were somewhere more secluded. And as if things were not irritating enough for the anxious young man, he sat upright at the sound of loud clattering from the hallways. He immediately removed himself from that side of the room and jumped under the linens on his bed just as he was before.

"SO YOU LEFT TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC ALLEY WITH A SINK SMASHED OVER THEIR HEADS AND ONE WITH THEIR GUTS RIPPED OUT!?"

Spandam's screeching rattled the windowpanes.

Lucci closed his eyes and frowned; had Kaku really left the bodies there to rot? It was a serious breach of procedure, that was certain.

"Oh great," He thought to himself. Might as well say something so he will leave.  
"We were put in a rather unexpected situation and as per our profession, we were forced to take whatever action necessary to eliminate the perpetrators. That is all." Kaku stated simply.

"I can assure you, chief." Kaku continued, not phased by Spandam's berating and sensing that Lucci would question him later. "We had some of our fellow agents clean up the mess, seeing as how Lucci and myself were incapable of completing that task."

Lucci seemed to relax a little when he heard Kaku's words. He'd find out later if they were true or not, of course. But at least, this answer seemed to sate the director, who took a few breaths and nodded.

"Okay. Fine. Whatever. Just." The vein in his temple was throbbing a little. "I'm having a transport pick you up tonight. They'll take you to a GOVERNMENT facility...Just...keep quiet, okay?"

Kaku nodded, acknowledging the chief's orders.

With a final huff of annoyance, Spandam turned and made his exit, but not before tripping over the food and slipping on the tea that was still in the floor. The door slammed just behind him.

Lucci laid there for a moment as silence finally reigned once more, then propped himself up slowly on some pillows. He ran a finger over the bandages about his wrists; marks of what he'd done to get there before they had killed Kaku, and eyed his partner intensely.

"I will never cease to be amazed by that moron's complete lack of leadership ability."

"Nor I." Kaku laughed a little and then looked back at Lucci, his face a bit more serious. After a brief moment, he looked away, closing his eyes as he replayed the moment in his head where he was mere seconds away from death. And then... "Thank you." He finally said. "Were it not for you taking that risk, neither one of us would be alive right now."

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> This sort of puts Rob Lucci and Kaku in a somewhat realistic setting, though they still have some of their Rokushiki abilities like being able to stab through a human body with their own hands. 
> 
> I apologize if the ending seems really open-ended, it's been a while since we've written this. Also, if you've never seen Boondock Saints, I highly recommend it! Still holds up after all these years. (Not the sequel tho....)
> 
> I think I may write more Lucci/Kaku in the future, I really miss these two bastards. UwU


End file.
